Swift Networks: No Longer so swift

I once read a joke of a man who entered one of those taxis that is billed by their meters. The man having just returned from Japan kept complaining about everything in the taxi and in that country (I forget which country now). At every opportunity, he would say;

so so and so is so slow, Japanese equivalent is very fast

, much to the irritation of the taxi driver. At the end of the journey when he called for his fare and the driver told him, he exclaimed that it was too expensive and it was the turn of the driver to smile when he said well,

meter is Japanese!

.

I am beefing swift networks very seriously right now. I have thought so many times of how to deal with them other than of course to stop using them. The only way I could come up with is to expose their non-existent online customer care (!). Yeah, yeah, I know that sounds somewhat lame, and perhaps it is. But just think about it, this is a company whose business is all about the internet. It provides internet services for fees depending on the plan you purchase, it has one or two e-mail addresses that you are supposed to channel your enquiries or complaints to. You send the mails or even mails like in my case and...well, er, nothing happens! For all you know, they didn't get the mail(s).

Now, what is an internet provider doing if it cannot check its mails? Over the years, I had noticed the same problem with our telecommunication companies as well. They provide you with email addresses to channel your customer care complaints to. But guess what? Unless and until you make calls to customer care via your phone, even if you had left a thousand messages on the on-line customer care platform, your complaints will not be attended to. This is true of Airtel and Globacom, I haven't tried it with others yet.

With swift networks, while their refusal or neglect to reply my mails may be one of the reasons why I am contemplating getting another internet connection, it is by no means the only reason. In fact, the reason that led to the emails is the fact that since I got swift networks at home, the 10 gigabyte plan which is supposed to last me for a month has so far in a period of well over 6 months lasted at best for only three weeks in any given month. I have had cause too many times to keep count to call them to complain about their data calculation to no avail. Every new month is the same or worse. Once, when I complained at their office, one of the workers replied that three weeks is ok because the connection is fast! Now, remembering the joke above, I think whatever Swift is using to determine data usage has got to be Japanese and its calculation is obviously not in tandem with the actual data used.

It also seems to me that no matter what you do or do not do, once it's three weeks, Swift will automatically cut you off with the excuse that you've exhausted your data limit. And when you call the customer care, you are kept on hold for such a long time that you wonder whether they remember at all if the call you are making is not toll-free. I have on a number of occasions been kept on hold for about an hour only for the machine to tell me that I had dialled a wrong number or some such thing that I couldn't make any sense of.

Of course after this happened a number of times, I decided I would only complain through their email thenceforth.

I was however forced to renew my subscription with swift after going for a month with another internet provider which had by the way increased its speed since I last used it and is in fact now considerably faster than swift networks which is, at least in my area no longer so fast.

When I first got my 4G Swift networks internet, I was so excited about it because I felt it was superfast. I thought, finally, a real internet connection! Sadly, just last week, I tried to watch a 2-minute video clip on it and it was really painful for me to watch my "super fast Swift internet connection struggle much like a rat trapped on a super glue attempting to free itself without success. After about 20 minutes of failure, I had to stop the attempt to watch the video clip. And so, sadly, my super-fast Swift networks internet connection is no longer er,

swift.

Matthew's non theme based fancy dress party

Matthew's non theme based fancy dress party

Laugh Your Head Off

The title above is of course for want of a better title, it is also of course not at all original but I don't know who to ascribe its ownership to. I don't know really why I am starting with what has little or nothing to do with my reason for writing this, which is to share with people who love to have very good laughs like I do, a crazy website (or perhaps not, maybe it's just the owner of the website that's crazy) that I stumbled upon just this morning. There are plenty of articles on the website to keep a bored individual busy and rolling in laughter for at least a week.

I had to share this website owned by a David Thorne (his surname is very apt because most times, he's actually more of a thorn to others by the way he reacts to them and you'll be sure to find this out if you take the time to visit the site and the articles).

The website address is www.27bslash6.com. You are sure to have a rib-cracking time visiting the site!

Hey, the picture here is not mine but the logo of the site so don't go thinking I'm dissing you or something!

Scary Times

In the past few months focus has been centred on the Arab world, from Tunisia to Egypt to Syria to (surprisingly), Libya. The people have either woken up from their slumber which allowed their rulers to subjugate them for so long, or they've been jolted awake by events around them. The uprisings have seen the Tunisian and Egyptian rulers running away when faced with the wrath of their people. Recent time has in fact seen the commencement of trial of Mubarak (from inside a cage! beat that if you can!) and the (!) running into hiding of the well-nigh invincible Muammar Gaddafi!

A Closer Look

Prior to watching the celebrity version of the Gulder Ultimate show some time ago, I don't remember if it was this year or sometime last year (funnily, though I'm usually not likely to forget other people's birthdays and anniversaries, I'm really quite lousy at keeping dates or remembering other important things in my own life and other dates I should probably remember!), I had developed opinions about what type of person each of the participants was. These people were celebrities whose singing and or acting careers most of us had followed over time thus entitling us to our opinions on each of these people's personalities.

Though I'm not such a great fan of Nollywood movies, there is no way I can claim that I've been able to completely avoid watching its films/home videos, and so somehow or other, I thought I developed a liking for Chioma Chukwuka who came across as a cool and quite level-headed young lady. I also thought I liked Emeka Ike for reasons I couldn't place a finger on. As for Funke Akindele, the kind of person I had always thought she was, was the kind of person I saw on the show. I had absolutely no thought on Bob Manuel though.

However, while people like Dare Art Alade, Weird MC and Funke Akindele did not disappoint in terms of my earlier formed opinion of them, people like Chioma Chukwuka and Emeka Ike forever lost a fan in me after the show (not that it'll make a difference to them since unless it is Mainframe Pictures, I'm not likely to spend my money on especially, english home videos).

Princess the comedian (?!) was not someone whose fan I was (I still am not because I'm yet to hear her tell a joke! Unless of course you count her attempt to ridicule her parents as a joke), but after the show, I thought far more kindly of her as a person. But perhaps the most serious upset was Abass Akande Obesere whose music I utterly disliked while recognising that he is a highly talented musician if only he could channel his talent towards lyrics that actually make sense!

How many times have we mentally dismissed others based on our first glimpse of them or our sightings of them from afar without actually trying to find out what lies inside the shell? How many of us have dismissed some really great person just because he/she is not rich or attractive or fair or dark enough? How many times have we rushed to make friends with that seemingly charming guy/lady only to find out that he/she is actually the opposite of what he/she tries to make us believe? I have been guilty of jumping to conclusions based only on a shell myself but having found out over time that some of the greatest people I know today were people I at first did not give too much of a chance, I have had to admonish myself to try to look beyond the shell when dealing with people before reaching a conclusion.

Let's all just try and see how much better we would get along with the people all around us if we do not dismiss them based on their looks or religion or tribe or sex or wealth or even profession (here i'm assuming terrorism, kidnapping, robbery are not professions!).Perhaps marriages will not run into such quick troubles if only we take the time to concentrate more on the content rather than worry so much about the shell which in the end is not more than just icing. No doubt I like a well-decorated cake, but in the end, it is the cake itself, and not the icing used to decorate it that is important. I believe this holds true for a lot of people out there a well.

MSNBC & NIGERIA'S NEWS CHANNELS

No thanks to NEPA/PHCN and the noise of generators, I find that over the time, consciously or not, I have developed a reduced desire to watch television. Once I have music, and a good book to read, I'm very much ok. Of course I like to listen to or watch the news. But even when I was watching TV very actively, a 24-hour news station/channel never really held much attraction for me. I mean, what do they really do? Repeat the same old news items every half-hour like someone just learning to recite the alphabet? No Siree! Watching one half-hour of news on a 24-hour news channel is usually enough to last me for about 5 hours or more unless something important breaks out somewhere in-between that time. That is why my increasing addiction to MSNBC (Lean Forward!) is something that I find by itself quite interesting. It usually takes quite a lot to keep me glued to a particular channel due to my impatient nature. I am more comfortable watching a programme that gives me virtual instant gratifications. Programs such as comedies, quiz programs like the Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Talk shows and of course musicals. Even a movie would have to work hard and really grab my attention very early to keep my interest. By now, you must guess that for MSNBC to get and keep my interest, they must be doing something or a whole lots of things differently form other news stations. And of course you will be very right! Yes, like all other boring news stations, MSNBC repeats news items from time to time. But what sets them apart from most other news stations is the number of talk shows they have. Now, the shows on MSNBC is not like the typical talk shows with live audience and a panel of discussants. Their talk shows is minus the live audience but with discussants not necessarily present in the studio but people that can be interviewed or who can discuss whatever news item they want analysed from anywhere in the world through perhaps video conferencing and other similar methods. So shows like the Dylan Ratigan Show, Rachel Maddow show, Morning Joe, Hard Talk with Chris Matthews, Daily Run Down with Chuck Todd, The Last Word with Lawrence O'Donell and so many others keep me glued to the channel with their serious and at once light- hearted ways of discussing news items and other topical issues. MSNBC doesn't just content itself with reporting and reading the news. It distinguishes itself by focusing more on the analysis of news items in a no-holds-barred and very progressive manner. In the evenings and during the weekends, it airs the investigative and no-less interesting aspect of its programs. For instance, Lock-up is a sort of documentary in which focus is directed on the prisons in the USA, particular prisoners and life behind the bars. In Nigeria here, Channels TV was the first TV to come on board as a 24-hours news station. Channels does alright except for the fact that it, like most other all news stations, bores me almost to tears with the repetition of the same news items every half-hour. It even stints on some of its news items during the day so it can have a much fuller news broadcast during its prime time for news at 10 pm! So once I watch one half-hour of news on Channels during the day, unless something important happens, I might as well rest and go off till 10 pm! Well, that may be good enough for Channels and some other news stations and their viewers, but it certainly doesn't do for me! As for NN24, the new entrant 24-hour news station in Nigeria, I have to admit that I haven't had too much opportunity to watch it so as to be able to assess it very well but the little I have seen of it have not been in my opinion, too impressive. The way the studio sometimes looks so bare as if it's just a makeshift arrangement leaves quite a lot to be desired. Channels TV could do more in the area of programs that discuses and analyses news items, but I already see a problem, just like on Sunrise (perhaps their best program yet), guests and discussants will not be allowed to really say it as it is. It is understandable as it is annoying.I find this understandable because the station managers/owners are quite naturally afraid of the threat of being shut down and or being sued for some imaginary or real wrongs. I find it frustrating and annoying because it doesn't make the program as interesting and as candid as it would have been if (reasonable) guests are given complete freedom to truly speak their minds . And that is what sets programs like the Rachel Maddow Show, the Ed Schultz show and others on MSNBC apart from a program like Sunrise on Channels TV. I believe Channels TV can spice up their programming with more investigative documentaries like the one that won Deji Badmus (now Bademosi) an award some time ago. We have so many people in our prisons who were arrested by the police without any investigation or for wandering

Conflicting Emotions

I got introduced to Jack Higgins a few weeks ago at a friend's place during one of those periods when visiting and one is left by oneself. To take care of those kinds of period I am almost never without something to read, and so it was on that day. I had my own book, but I was drawn irresistibly to the array of books on my friend's table. After looking through everything, I decided to find out what Mr Jack Higgins had to offer. On the very first page of the book titled Eye of the Storm, Jack Higgins introduced me to Sean Dillon. Now, Sean Dillon is supposed to be a political mercenary of sort, ready to the job if he felt the job was right and the money equally if not more so. Sean Dillon, according to Jack Higgins, is a small Irish man with an extra-ordinary ability for altering his appearance without too much, he could speak different languages like the natives of those languages however with a weakness for a particular type of wine (Krug) and a perhaps unconscious penchant for whistling a particular (Irish) tune. One thing stood Dillon out from all other hit men, he had an extra-ordinary success rate, and the international intelligence community had been looking for him without success for over 20 years! He was, well-nigh invincible.

Actually, Higgins introduced me to two main character; Sean Dillon already mentioned, and Martin Brosnan, both of them quite remarkable, each aware of the other's existence, one supposedly a bad guy (when I was younger, we used to refer to the bad guys in films as the "boss" while the good guy is the "actor"), while the other (Martin Brosnan), a hitherto-not-so-good guy turned quite-good guy. The authorities had to enlist the help of Brosnan to apprehend Dillon, and he almost succeeded too! But I am getting quite ahead of myself. What makes Eye of the Storm so remarkable and thus worth sharing with everyone is not so much the story it tells, quite good as it is, it is actually the emotions the story as it unfolded elicited in me. Like I said earlier, The author of the book introduced me to well, the not-so-good-guy Dillon on the first page, and either he forgot to portray Dillon as the bad guy that he is supposed to be, or, more accurately, he also must have a secret admiration and thus have a sort of love-hate feeling/relationship for/with Dillon. And so because of the author's oversight or deliberate decision not to let the readers see Dillon as he is really supposed to be, I kind of started a sort of relationship with him, I of course was aware that he had been contracted by some (hateful) people to carry out some really horrible task (blowing up Margaret Thatcher or any other person equivalent to her in the Western world), but rather than hate Dillon for accepting to do such a horrible thing, I rather invested my hatred for the people that contracted him to do the job while praying that he should fail at the job but SHOULD NOT get caught in the process of doing the job! I got introduced to Martin Brosnan on the 55th page of the book. I of course took a liking to him immediately though his had been sought for the capture of Sean Dillon and he had vowed that this time, Dillon would not get away. Now I was interested in who would prevail out of the two men and guess what? I was actually rooting for both men! At the end of it all, Dillon almost succeeded in his task (thank God he didn't, I would have hated him for sure!), in-between that time, he behaved so unfeelingly towards a member of is family that helped, in fact, killing the poor old man in the process (I swear I surely hated him at that time and almost prayed that he got caught!). As for Brosnan, he also almost succeeded in his task of finally stopping Dillon permanently. I in fact thought he had succeeded when Dillon was shot twice in the chest and "died". At that time, I was very disappointed at how easily Dillon had died. I mean, this is SEAN DILLON we are talking about! He shouldn't just die like any and every other mere mortal! or should he? I was terribly disappointed I tell you, though I was grudgingly happy for Brosnan, he appeared to be the better man or else he wouldn't have won now, or would he? Well, Higgins proved his soft spot for Dillon once again when Dillon resurrected! As it happened, he had on velcro bullet proof vest all the while, and it surely helped that he had been shot in the part of his body that was protected by the vest. I was happy again! What shocked me most was the fact that I could be on the good side as well as on the side of someone that could be termed to be a terrorist! How could I? I am always on the side of the good people! But I think, Higgins was very unfair to me, he had written the story in such a way that whilst not approving of what Dillon had been contracted to do, I almost approved of Dillon himself as a man and did not want him to get caught. I prayed (God help me!) for his survival (can you just imagine that!). I was sad when it appeared he had been killed and was happy when it turned out he didn't die after all. As for Higgins, he not only tells a good story, he knows how to tell it too. This is very important to me because the telling is just as important as the story. And I suspect, that for Jack Higgins and I are, Eye of the Storm is going to be the start of a long and very interesting relationship!

Unique Talents of Nigeria's Rulers

I am sure that if not everybody, at least a great majority of people will agree that Nigeria is a very interesting country peopled with highly talented and brilliant individuals. It is of course to be expected that our rulers too will be brilliant, even if their brilliance is of a different sort from the normal brilliance that everyone knows.

Over the years, Nigerian rulers have affected the country and ensured its steady retrogression with their brilliance at diverting resources meant for the common good to their own use and non-use since a good number of them will die leaving their wealth for the swiss authorities to utilise to develop their economy. In that sense, one could very well say that, quite a number of them die leaving their wealth to charity, charity being the Swiss banks and Swiss government/economy.

We all have sort of accepted that our rulers' brilliance is their very own special talent developed while in government. This talent has resulted in the direct and direct deaths of millions of Nigerians over the years. However, there is a talent of our rulers' that has been showing itself for some years now; or at least since shortly after 1999 when the country returned to civil rule. That talent is the talent of seeing a small prick which could have been easily taken care of, but ignoring it until it festers and not only becomes life-threatening, but actually becomes fatal.

It is this talent that ignored the birth of the militant until they became so destructive that the only option left to the government (especially in the light of our thoroughly incompetent security forces)was to negotiate with the criminal elements called the militants.

It is this very unique talent that saw the birth of the boko haram and made them ignore this deadly group while they could have been easily contained until they grew to become the terrorist group they are now.

I have heard and read comments in the electronic and print media about the supposed "carrot and stick" method being employed (or is it about to be employed) by the government in the boko haram matter. Well, perhaps the government has some sickly carrots which they intend to dangle before the members of this sect, but one thing I am sure of is that the government has absolutely no stick to wield should the boko haram people refuse to accept the not very enticing carrots being dangled before them.

While the government and its incompetent security forces have been left without the ability to even fumble and wumble (apologies to Amu), the boko haram people are sure of what they want to do even if the rest of us do not know why they are doing it, and they are leaving a lot of deaths and destruction in their trail.

I love brilliant and talented people, but I intend to go on my knees everyday till further notice, to pray to the Almighty to cure our rulers of these talents that only breed monsters...

BEHOLD, MY HAPPY PEOPLE!

I remember a time in the not too distant past but which now seems like aeons ago, when I used to follow religiously, the Mexican soap operas at the time they re-invaded our country. That was the time I also almost never missed any episode of Super Story and so many other Nigerian soap operas. The remarkable thing about that time for me was not just that I followed all those soap operas really religiously, it was that I was able to watch them almost without a miss of any episode in the absence of an electricity generator; something that is today a total impossibility. Now, I have virtually lost complete interest in watching TV because my ear drums got tired of the noise of the generators all around winning every single competition with the volume of the TV, the only program I make an exception for is however Who Wants To Be A Millionaire which I usually do not like to miss.

I remember thinking sometimes in 2010 when a friend and colleague told me that they didn’t have a generator in their office, that her boss must be so out of touch with reality that he’s got to be downright mad! That’s how bad things have become with the power situation in my dear country.

I remember in 2004 when I had to travel to Edo State for a friend’s wedding that though the Benin-Ore road was not that good, I, along with my co-travellers did not at least have to sleep on the road as is the situation today due to the criminal and horrible state of the road which not only boosts the business of armed robbers but which through accidents has sent more people than I think it’s healthy for me to think about to their untimely death.

I remember a time also in the not too distant past when it was a “status symbol” thing for parents to send their children to private schools. Now, especially with our servant-rulers being the proprietors of most of the very expensive and very private schools, any parent that wants any meaningful kind of education for his/her child has to look for money that he/she probably doesn’t have, to give the child a fighting chance among his/her peers. The saddest thing of all? No, it’s not that parents have to work all hours and abandon their children to their devices in order to give them a decent standard of life, though that is unbearable enough, the saddest thing is that in spite of the huge school fees being coughed out by parents, the outcome still leave a lot to be desired. The results of externally-conducted examinations have not shown any marked demarcation between those students in private schools and those in the public schools deliberately killed by our governments.

I see all around me the near-total absence of infrastructures and I have to buy a litre of kerosene that is supposed to be used mainly by the poor masses at N130.

Yet, I see the people who are supposed to be our servants moving in convoys of 10/15 cars, pushing us the people who are supposed to be the custodian of the nation’s power off the road, and beating and incarcerating those bold or foolish enough to hesitate to race into the bush so our servants can pass on the road without having to see for too long the total collapse and virtual absence of infrastructures or endure the bad traffic that our bad roads make us suffer.

I see that these “servants” of ours travel out of the country at every opportunity, enjoy the good roads, well-equipped hospitals, beautiful sceneries and great infrastructures that those countries have to offer and return to this country without the slightest wish to replicate all those things they enjoy so much abroad here.

I get alarmed when I remember that kidnappings which started as an “expatriate thing” in the Niger-Delta (Nigerians were safe, so no need to worry) has not only extended to rich Nigerians, it has also been extended to the families and friends of those of us who are still trying to find our feet in the society.

I get even more alarmed when I think of the poor children being born today who might never know what it is to have a normal and quiet environment. For people who live in flats and their own apartments, it is bad enough, for those who live in the “face me I face you” apartments in which every room in the 13 or 15-room apartment has its own “I better pass my neighbour”, it is absolutely unbearable!

I get alarmed and really sad when I remember and think of all those reports in the papers about families who die overnight due to poisoning from the inhalation of generator fumes.

Yet, it appears that I am one of the very few people in my dear 150- million strong country bothered by all these things I have mentioned above, and so much more that my desire not to bore you will not allow me to mention here. It is apparent that my people are really happy with the way this potentially (how I wish I can stop using that word in relation to my country!) great country is.

No doubt, this country has never been more prosperous than now in terms of its oil earnings, yet, its people have never been more impoverished in terms of the value (or lack of it) being added to (or taken from) their lives by people who control this oil wealth.

I have no doubt that it is not normal for the people who are supposed to be serving us to prefer setting a record for having contracted out the biggest cake in the world for our country’s 50th Anniversary when people die daily on the accidents we call roads, nor can it be right for these people to keep awarding themselves obscenely high allowances and estacodes when the work force earn the lowest salary in the commonwealth.

I have no doubt that it is not normal that a lot of our youths who were gainfully self-employed have found themselves becoming okada riders because they cannot afford the suicidal cost of running their business on electricity generators.

What saddens and alarms me most is that my people have become so used to the abnormal situations in this country that they have actually settled down to start enjoying it, they have in fact, become quite happy with seeing innocent children being deafened by the noise of generators, they have become very happy with seeing criminals who plunder the treasury of this country not only getting away with murders (literally) but also with those criminals being celebrated and declared as the heroes of their face for the new youths. They are very happy at having to shout in their rooms to make themselves heard over the noise of the generators, they are deliriously happy that Nigeria wins the top position easily in the most negative of things like having the highest figure for maternal mortality and stillbirths. They are really happy at having to invest huge amount of money on inverters and so many other similar inferior quality china products.

My people are in short so happy that they have no desire whatsoever for any change. And why should they desire any change? They are, after all, very happy! So much so that they have international recognition and acknowledgment of their happiness to back it up! Please, by no means change a happy people!

I however will love if you, who are reading this, can humour me and allow me to say this; as we all go out to vote on Saturday the 16th of April 2011, let us vote with the realisation that whoever we each vote for, whoever wins this election (by truly fair means), we would have, by our votes, sent a message; either for a desire for more neglect of our social infrastructures and continued creation of a monster which will then have the belief that it can continue to ride rough-shod over us, or for a message to show that we have the power in our thumbs to send any group or person who is either incompetent or unwilling to better our lives packing and are willing and ready to send each new successive group of people packing until we are able to get the message across that politicians should no longer take us for granted and until we get people who are ready to turn the potentialities of this country into actualities.

The choice is ours to make, I only hope before making our choice, we’ll pause to ask ourselves the right questions and supply honest and very sincere answers. But if we want to continue being happy with the most abnormal and depressing of conditions, with having more people die needless deaths every day in our empty hospitals, with people who tell us to tighten our belts while they grow fat in the mid regions, with empty words and quickly forgotten tears on the Benin-Ore road, well, what else can I say but, good luck!

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